I woke up this morning and admired my dazzling array of scars. I recalled the spectacular incidents that led to these permanent wounds...
My missing left elbow: I fell out of that SUV when my friend tricked me into getting out of the car when it was speeding down the highway by telling me it was actually parked.
That mark on my forearm: My wife's doberman pinched me.
The big hole on my belly: merciless doctors butchered my stomach, severing me from my precious umbilical cord mere moments after I was born.
The scar on my knee: I slipped and fell in front of the public library, suing them for millions.
The 6-inch scar on my right shoulder: when the chimeric Abraxas creature tapped me on the shoulder with its taloned claw.
That gaping hole where my intestines used to be: I was disemboweled by the Toxic Avenger when he accused me of corporate corruption.
After I contemplated all my scars, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. But that's another story. For another day.
submitted at 8:01pm
8 February 2010