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Tess The Tooth Fairy

My sister-in-law Tess was always the irritating small town do-gooder type. But earning her dental technician license launched her over the Annoying county line and into the major city of Intolerable.

I had to invite her to my Halloween party, since I was still under spousal suspicion for "forgetting" her Fourth of July invitation.

Tess arrived dressed as the tooth fairy and interrupted "The Monster Mash" to scold everyone for eating candy. "Sugar is bad for your teeth!" she bleated, eyebrows raised as if ready to take flight from the sheer alarm of it all.

She passed out her treat to the dozen children, red tablets that dissolved in your mouth to show the spots missed after brushing. The children immediately dropped tablets into the toilet and laughed themselves apoplectic . "Who pissed blood?" was even funnier than the classic, "Who farted?" They coined the term "blood-fart" and Tess the Tooth Fairy sobbed, drowning out "Marie Laveau."

I passed out my treat, wind-up mouths with chattering teeth. I whispered helpfully, "I hope Mr. Mouth doesn't bite Aunt Tess for being uncool."

The adults danced past in a conga line as I poured more rum into the swamp punch. The children formed into a tittering, pointing, teeth-clacking pack.

I felt festive, with my house a-rocking even though it was dreary outside. When Tess screamed from the other room along with the howling in "Werewolves of London ," everyone raised their glasses. They thought she was getting jiggy with it at last.

Story by:

Carly Berg

21 January 2013